JMF Coaching

Life Coach•ADHD Specialist•Meditation Teacher

Group ADHD Coaching

Have we lost our ability to connect?

Sad, but true…

As sad as this is, it’s also very true. The irony of it, though, is that the need and desire for social connection — to interact, to listen to and to be heard by others — is innate in all of us.  We want to connect and we want to be heard! But unfortunately, it seems we’ve lost our ability to listen. Really listen. We’ve become a very fast-paced, impatient society of immediate gratification. We’ve lost our ability to be fully present, whether in a conversation, or a meal, or a walk in the park. Can we just enjoy a moment, like a sunset, without having to take 42 pictures of it while it’s happening? No doubt technology has made a profound improvement in our lives — Need an answer? Google it! Need help with something? There’s an app for it! Unfortunately, we’ve lost the “balance” and allowed it to take over.

We are addicted to our phones, our computers, our iPads, social media, the internet.

We’ve allowed these things to take us out of any situation that we find uncomfortable, or perhaps boring. Like a drug, we use them to escape. But somehow, unlike drugs, escaping into our technology is acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, but it’s become “the norm”. Just walk into a restaurant and look around. How many people do you see on their phones? Have we lost the desire to communicate? Has social media replaced connection? Have we lost our ability to be “fully present”?

The good news is that we’re aware of this.

We read about it. We talk about it. We acknowledge it. The bad news, unfortunately, is that we’re not doing anything to change it. While we do acknowledge that this is happening, most times we “acknowledge” it in others, not ourselves.

It’s time we take control back! Only we, as individuals, have the power to make the choice to change; to make the choice to impose “rules” on ourselves, like no cell phones at a dinner table, EVER, and set limitations. (Believe it or not, there was a time when we actually lived without them!)  Make the choice to connect with others. Make the choice to be fully present in every conversation or interaction that we have. Make the choice that just for today, we will listen. Really listen, listen with our ears, listen with our eyes, and listen with our hearts. That’s connection!

Peace,
Jo

It’s time we change the way we look at ADHD!

holding-on-to-anger-photo-by-Leland-Francisco
Photo by Leland Francisco

IT’S TIME WE CHANGE THE WAY WE LOOK AT ADHD!

Anyone who knows me or has worked with me knows that I’m not a fan of labels. Ironic, right? As an “ADHD” specialist, it’s a constant struggle for me in finding the right balance in using the “label” ADHD (which is of course necessary for treatment) and neurological difference and diversity, what I refer to as “brain type.”

While I absolutely believe that ADHD is real, I struggle with the term Attention Deficit Disorder, for a number of reasons.

First, I don’t believe that it’s a deficit of attention. What I do believe is that it’s a deficit of regulation of attention. The issue isn’t about paying attention, its about what you pay attention to; its about the inability to regulate where your attention goes.

And the second issue that I have is with the word “disorder”.  “Great news, honey! I’ve been diagnosed with a disorder!” said no one ever! The interesting thing about this brain type is that there are so many instances where having this brain is hardly a disorder! As a matter of fact, quite the contrary. It can be quite resourceful! There are many strengths and gifts associated with ADHD.

In his book ADD: A Different Perception, psychotherapist Thom Hartmann, suggests that ADHD is not a disorder. Early humans were hunters and gatherers. Thom Hartmann theorizes that just as our talents and strengths vary today, some humans were better suited for hunting and gathering than others. Because they were hyper-aware of every stimulus (easily distracted), they were able to constantly monitor their environment. This was necessary for survival!

In his hunter-farmer theory, he also suggests that by immediately reacting to a situation (impulsivity), this allowed the hunter to instantly identify and seize opportunities. Taking time thinking and planning would more likely have left the hunter without food.

In this chart from his book, you can see that what we now define as a “disorder” was actually beneficial.

https://www.thomhartmann.com/articles/2007/11/thom-hartmanns-hunter-and-farmer-approach-addadhd

Yes, I know. It’s true that today we’re no longer “hunting” for our survival. But there certainly are instances where these traits can be viewed as strengths and talents. Isn’t it in the impulsive and distracted mind that ideas, change and creativity are born?

Yes, there is a time and place for this, no doubt. I agree that a lack of regulation of attention definitely has it’s difficulties. But if we can learn to regulate our attention, then perhaps the only thing left is having the gift of this magnificent, and often brilliant brain type!

So how do you learn to regulate your attention? Start with a practice of Mindfulness!

I encourage you to take a few minutes to watch this YouTube video on Neurodiversity. It just might change the way you look at ADHD!

It’s time we see the value in this as well as all other brain types!

The Blame Game

You, and only you, are responsible for your life.

Every choice you make creates your reality. We don’t always have control over the situation, but what we can control is how we respond. In each situation, we’re given 3 choices.

  1. We can blame others for the pain, the grief or the sorrow that we’re experiencing. We are victim to their behaviors.
  2. We can blame ourselves for our own poor choices that led to this pain and suffering. We can become angry with ourselves for making such stupid choices.

The third choice is to just “be”

…be with the experience of the pain, without resistance, without judgment, without wanting it to change. Just allow it to be, knowing that it has it’s purpose in your life. We choose to see this as an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

Yeah, sometimes it sucks. It’s painful. It hurts. But when we choose blame, we choose resistance, we choose avoidance, we lose our power.  And we wait for it to happen again. And it will. It might not look the same, but the lesson that it teaches us is the same.

We can only know it’s purpose when we allow ourselves to experience it, without judgment and without blame. We ask ourselves these questions

  • What is the lesson?
  • What can I learn about myself in this situation?
  • How can I use this to move forward?

We listen. We learn. We grow.

There is the power!

The Monkey and the Banana

In his book, Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn tells a story of how farmers in India would catch monkeys that were destroying their crops. Because they practiced compassion, shooting or killing the monkeys was not an option. They had to find a way to capture the monkey, and then return it to the jungle.

After observing the monkeys, one farmer found a way. He cut a small hole in a coconut, just big enough so that the monkey could slide its hand through. He put a banana inside the coconut, then tied it to the side of a tree. The monkey came up, smelled the banana, and stuck its hand into the coconut to grab the banana. When it tried to pull its hand out, because his hand was clenched in a fist holding the banana, it did not fit out of the small hole.  And because the monkey refused to let go of the banana, the farmer was able to capture it.  Had the monkey just let go, he would be free.
Much like the monkey with the banana, we have a tendency to hold on to things — things that don’t necessarily serve us. Old habits, behaviors and even relationships. Attachment is a very natural part of life. But sometimes those things that we’re attached to are the very things that hold us back, even causing pain in our lives.

What are you holding on to that no longer serves you? Just for today, what can you let go of in order to be free? No, it’s not always easy. But neither is living life on a roller coaster, or living in pain.

(I love the book, Letting Go: Pathway of Surrender, by David R. Hawkins)

 

Peace,
Jo

My wish for you in 2018

Wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year!

In 2018, may the choices that you make,
be a reflection of your Hopes, not your fears.

Love & Peace,
Jo